Recently, I’ve been increasing my writing contributions both here and on my website. In addition to my work as a professional Dominatrix, I also work as a therapist and coach. Over the last few years, I’ve delved into topics concerning BDSM and its psychological ramifications. From the potential risks when pursued by individuals who may be ill-suited or motivated by inappropriate intentions, which you can discover in another one of my blogs titled, “Unmasking the Danger: The Psychology Behind Pretentious Dominants.” In this piece, I aim to illuminate a more positive facet, namely, the beneficial effects on mental health when BDSM is executed correctly. Over recent years, I have encountered a wealth of affirmative research on this topic. Allow me to share more about this with you.
BDSM, is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in the societal narrative and mainstream media. Often, it’s depicted as deviant, focusing primarily on the more sensationalized elements like extreme sexual activities, pain and kink. However, the true essence is far from this stereotype, primarily revolving around the elements of consensual power dynamics and play, without necessarily including pain or even sexual activities. As you can see from my website and social media, I do not provide any form of sexual service as a Dominatrix, which sets me apart from many others in my field. Why is that so? My focus lies in understanding the impact of the experience on a client’s mental state. I aim to concentrate solely on the experience, free from the distractions of sexual pleasure.
When looked at closely, it’s clear that BDSM can help improve mental health, a perspective that goes against common misunderstandings.
A crucial step towards comprehending the possible mental health benefits of BDSM lies in understanding its fundamental principles. The power interplay, where a submissive partner or client entrusts their fantasies to a Dominant, forms the foundation of BDSM. This dynamic is built on mutual consent, extensive trust, and open communication elements vital to mental well-being. The environment of safety established in BDSM relationships encourages exploration of fantasies and desires, potentially providing therapeutic pathways for individuals dealing with trauma, burnout, stress, and those who desire to enhance their communication abilities and overall mental well-being.
BDSM, contrary to some beliefs, is not a pathological response to trauma. In fact, practitioners are no more likely to have experienced trauma or abuse than those in the general population. It was once classified as a mental disorder, but this classification was more an attempt at social control than an evidence-based conclusion. In 2013, with the publication of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), BDSM was officially recognized as not pathological. This shift highlights the increasing acceptance of varied behaviors and preferences, validating the experiences of those who incorporate BDSM as a fundamental aspect of their identity and relationships.
Research exploring the mental health of practitioners further negates the misconceptions surrounding the practice. Intriguingly, individuals engaged in BDSM display lower instances of depression, anxiety, neuroticism, and pathological behavior compared to the general population.
Most individuals who practice BDSM usually don’t behave abusively, showing that respect and agreement are key parts of this lifestyle. Additionally, the social support and community features of BDSM can nurture resilience and offer a buffer against anxiety disorders. This points to how it can act as a positive mechanism for managing trauma and enhancing relationships.
For individuals suffering from trauma, it can serve as a unique healing mechanism, much like yoga or mindfulness practices. The act of focusing on breathwork and experiencing rhythm and repetition within play can be grounding, promoting a sense of safety and security. Regular exposure to the nervous system’s window of tolerance can enhance resilience and emotional regulation. BDSM offers an opportunity to safely push the boundaries of tolerance and contributes to healing and growth.
Therapists are starting to see that BDSM might help people deal with trauma in ways that regular talk therapy sessions sometimes can’t. This realization can assist those who practice it to achieve a more refined understanding of their bodily responses to trauma related stress, offering chances to get better at handling and taking charge of uncomfortable sensations. Moreover, the aftercare in BDSM, stimulates the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, reinforcing trust and connection.
Nevertheless, certain aspects of BDSM, like trauma play, requires careful negotiation and thorough contemplation due to their potential risks. Trauma play, encompassing practices like age play, consensual non-consent play, humiliation and race play, can be controversial, even among professionals. Avoidance of reenacting past traumas is essential, but when conducted on their terms, trauma survivors might find this type of play empowering, enabling them to manipulate the traumatic event rather than reverting to old patterns. This can lead to transformation and help in reducing fear responses in everyday life.
Personally, I am very careful with these types of roleplays, especially with new clients. I offer humiliation in a restricted capacity, only after a thorough consultation, and age play is also cautiously approached. As for race play, it’s a firm boundary for me, and I only engage in activities that are consensual. If an individual expresses a desire to delve into a deeper trauma through a BDSM session with me, my first recommendation would be to engage in a regular therapy session with me. This will allow us to thoroughly explore the issue and consider the most suitable next course of action.
Overall, when practiced correctly (I can’t say this enough), BDSM can offer diverse mental health benefits. By providing a platform for trust, control, exploration, and healing, it highlights the diverse methods through which people can discover comfort, growth, and connection. As our understanding of behaviors continues to grow, it’s essential to let go of any preformed ideas and clichés and embrace the broad spectrum of human expression, including practices like BDSM.
I am of the belief that BDSM can greatly enrich relationships, offering ways to better understand your partner through mutual exploration. It’s an effective tool for fostering trust and offers a refreshing departure from traditional gender roles defined by societal norms. If approached with the right understanding and respect, it can provide a thrilling and rewarding experience for all involved. This is why I also offer coaching services to couples, helping them navigate their own unique journey into BDSM under my guidance.
In my exploration, I found numerous articles about this topic and even talked to a psychotherapist about it, who informed me that significant strides are being made in the Netherlands concerning the same topic. This conversation is one of the reasons I’m excited to start studying for another degree this year (max 3-years study). I aim to broaden my capabilities so that I can function as a freelancer for GGZ in the future, contributing further to the understanding of this topic and other areas in which I am specializing.
© The Lady Lux / Coaching by Lux
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Sources:
“The Psychology of Kink: a Survey Study into the Relationships of Trauma and Attachment Style with BDSM Interests,” Sexuality Research and Social Policy. February 18, 2020.
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. Penguin Random House, 2015.
“BDSM, Personality, and Mental Health,” Psychology Today. July 25, 2013.
Bezreh, T., Weinberg, T. S., & Edgar, T. (2012). BDSM Disclosure and Stigma Management: Identifying Opportunities for Sex Education.
Bourdage, J. S., Lee, K., Ashton, M. C., & Perry, A. (2007). Big Five and HEXACO model personality correlates of sexuality. Personality and Individual Differences, 43(6), 1506-1516
Gaither, G. A., & Sellbom, M. (2003). The Sexual Sensation Seeking Scale: Reliablity and Validity Within a Heterosexual College Student Sample. Journal of Personality Assessment, 81(2), 157-167
Richters, J., De Visser, R. O., Rissel, C. E., Grulich, A. E., & Smith, A. M. A. (2008). Demographic and Psychosocial Features of Participants in Bondage and Discipline, “Sadomasochism” or Dominance and Submission (BDSM): Data from a National Survey. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1660-1668.
Wismeijer, A., & van Assen, M. (2008). Do neuroticism and extraversion explain the negative association between self-concealment and subjective well-being? Personality and Individual Differences, 45(5), 345-349. Wismeijer, A. A. J., & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013). Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners.