Another English rewrite of my MassaD magazine collumn. MassaD nr 326
In this column, we will discuss an important topic: fake Dommes and fake Subs. Encounters with these individuals can be discouraging, but there are also real and wonderful connections to be made. I will share my personal experiences and dive into the psychology behind this behavior.
Within the BDSM community, many people can be considered fakes, or as some call them, “catfish.” This problem affects both ends of the spectrum, and I have experienced it multiple times myself. I started as a pro Domme when I was 18 (I’m now 37), and while I have encountered dangerous and unstable individuals, I have also met amazing people who have become lifelong friends.
Creating fake profiles in the BDSM community may provide temporary endorphin boosts and a brief escape from reality, but ultimately, it harms mental health and prevents genuine connections. Remember that real fulfillment comes from living authentically and forming true, trusting relationships.
As both a kink coach and Domme, I encounter many people who tell me how they’ve been scammed by Subs or Dommes. In a community built on trust and respect, this can be very difficult, especially due to the sensitive nature of the topics in which we place our trust.
As I sit in my chair, reflecting while looking at the Rotterdam skyline… I think… there’s so much I want to say on this topic, but where to begin? This is currently such a huge issue and much more dangerous than most expect—not just for the community and the victims, but also for the mental health of individuals pretending to be someone they’re not.
Before I go any further, I want to say this: I believe in the power of authenticity and being unapologetically true to ourselves. This is the advice I give to Dommes and Subs alike. We are all human, with our strengths and weaknesses, victories, and defeats. To truly connect with others, we must first dare to be ourselves. Especially in the context of BDSM, trust is paramount, and dishonesty is a poor foundation for any relationship.
Remember: be yourself. Our time on Earth is short. Mistakes are human, and forgiveness is possible, but once trust is broken, it can be almost impossible to rebuild.
I also want to pose a question that both Dommes and Subs should consider:
What brings you more joy: being accepted, admired, or even loved for who you are, for something you’ve achieved, or for positive comments on your own body? Or for your fake profiles and lies about yourself? I think your answer is that it would naturally bring more validation and positivity if they liked YOU, not the lie.
The Psychology Behind Fake Online Accounts
In the digital age, fake accounts have become a pervasive problem on social media platforms, dating sites, and online communities. These accounts are created by people assuming false identities to deceive others. Understanding the psychology behind why people create and maintain fake accounts can shed light on this troubling phenomenon.
Escapism and Fantasy:
Many people create fake accounts to escape their reality. These accounts allow them to live fantasies or alternate lives that they find more appealing than their actual circumstances. For some, it’s a way to experience aspects of life that they otherwise find inaccessible, whether it’s portraying a more attractive version of themselves, assuming a different gender, or exploring identities they can’t experience in real life.
Social and Emotional Needs:
Loneliness and a desire for social connection drive many to create fake profiles. People who struggle to form relationships in real life may turn to the internet to fulfill their social and emotional needs. A false identity can give them the fake confidence to engage more freely and form bonds that might otherwise be difficult to create.
Psychological Satisfaction:
Creating and maintaining a fake account can provide psychological gratification. The person behind the account may enjoy the power and control that comes with manipulating others’ perceptions and emotions. This behavior may be rooted in narcissistic tendencies, where the individual derives pleasure from the attention and admiration they receive under their fabricated persona.
Identity Exploration:
Some individuals use fake accounts as a way to explore different aspects of their identity in a safe, anonymous environment. This could include exploring different gender identities, sexual orientations, or personality traits. For these people, a fake account serves as a testing ground for self-discovery without the fear of real-world consequences.
Revenge and Malice:
There are also malicious motivations behind fake accounts. Some people create false profiles with the intent of deceiving, harming, or manipulating others. This can be driven by a desire for revenge, jealousy, or simply a love of causing chaos and distress. These actions are often rooted in deeper psychological issues such as feelings of inadequacy, anger, or a lack of empathy.
Financial Gain:
Scammers often use fake accounts for financial gain. By assuming a false identity, they can exploit others’ trust to solicit money, commit fraud, or carry out other financial crimes. This type of deception is calculated and driven by the opportunity to profit.
The Consequences of Fake Accounts
Fake accounts can have significant negative consequences, such as:
• Erosion of Trust: Fake accounts undermine trust in online communities, making it harder for people to believe in the authenticity of others.
• Emotional Harm: Victims of catfishing and other deceptions can suffer deep emotional distress, feelings of betrayal, and psychological trauma.
I myself ended up at a center specializing in domestic violence and dependent relationships. I began volunteering and training to help and guide people through these experiences.
Need help? Feel free to contact me through my practice. I may be able to assist you or refer you to organizations that offer help.
My Personal Experience with a ‘Sub’ and a ‘Domme’
What’s important to note is that both individuals used gaslighting. Many people think gaslighting is just lying, but it’s far more insidious.
Gaslighting:
Dr. Ramani explains it very well: Gaslighting is not the same as lying; there’s a difference. When you catch a liar with evidence, they will admit to their lie. For example, if someone lies about being somewhere and you show them a photo proving they were there, they will most likely confess and apologize for their lie.
However, a gaslighter responds differently. When confronted with evidence, they double down on their deception and try to make you doubt yourself. Instead of admitting the truth, they might say things like, “You’re paranoid” or “You need mental help.” This shifts the conversation from their dishonesty to questioning your mental state. Most people in this situation feel compelled to defend themselves by saying, “I’m not crazy,” which diverts attention from the original lie. This is the essence of gaslighting.
These people are unlikely to change. The best advice is to go ‘no contact,’ including distancing yourself from mutual friends who choose to remain in contact with them. Protect yourself!
My Experience with the ‘Sub’:
Yes, even I, as a Domme, was catfished in a big way. I fell for a message that had been sent to multiple Dommes, and this person ended up in a relationship with me. Initially, he posed as a sub and gender-fluid. While portraying himself as a sissy slut seeking humiliation to some, he presented himself to others as transgender and unable to dress at home, adopting a different persona with each person.
It all started as a lie and then got tangled in a deeper and deeper web, ending in domestic violence, constant lies, manipulation, and the loss of large amounts of money, etc. Beyond the effect on my mental health, it also had a huge impact on my sexuality because, while he pretended to be very sexual online, I only had sex five times a year. (Now I live on the other end of the spectrum happily, with sometimes even five times a day… truly amazing).
So what I can share: things can go really badly with some individuals, which is why I want to warn you but not discourage you.
Since I’ve come to understand attachment styles and have studied these themes, as well as received training to guide others, I’ve become a much stronger person. I try to turn every painful experience in my life into something beautiful.
Since posting a warning about these types of relationships and the red flags regarding such individuals, I’ve received many emails from other Dommes and Subs who have also been caught in this kind of toxicity. It opened my eyes even more to how many fake profiles exist.
What I often hear and observe is that quite a few individuals in the scene exhibit psychological traits and personality disorders, such as pathological lying, plutomania, grandiose delusions (GD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and BPD. While this is not reflective of the entire BDSM community, understanding these harmful traits is essential for ensuring safety.
Experience with the ‘Domme’:
I began with the intention of forging friendships within the dominatrix community. My hope was to find camaraderie and shared experiences with fellow Dommes. While I did indeed build bonds with a few truly wonderful individuals, I also became sharply aware of a shadowy undercurrent in our community.
I encountered individuals projecting grandiose delusions, feigning wealth that, upon closer inspection, didn’t exist. I discovered that this kind of pretense was more common than I had initially expected. Pathological lying also emerged as a frequent issue, with some denying undeniable truths, even when confronted with compelling evidence. (*Gaslighting, see explanation).
I once participated in a duo session with this fellow Domme, and while she often preached about consent on her social networks, reality was different. During this session, she ignored a specific request from the client, behaving very inappropriately. She simply laughed it off and carried on. This experience is the reason why I now choose to collaborate with other Dommes only in certain circumstances.
These individuals seemed more consumed by self-enrichment and self-aggrandizement, unaware of—or indifferent to—the consequences their actions could have on others.
What’s remarkable is that I’ve so often heard from others that these people speak behind my back, lying and trying to discredit me.
What does that say about them? I’ll leave that for you to judge.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion on this matter.
“For me, once respect is gone, I leave the table, and there’s no longer a place for you in my life. I always give people a few chances, but when a boundary is crossed, it’s best to close that chapter and move on. What they choose to do is their choice, not mine, and what others choose to believe is also their decision. I live my life and love the people I allow into it. I highly recommend this outlook to everyone! It brings peace to your life, and you no longer waste energy on unnecessary drama and stress.”
Don’t be discouraged: There are amazing people out there
Navigating the BDSM community can be a challenge, especially with the presence of fake profiles and deceptive individuals. However, it’s important not to get discouraged. There are genuine, kind-hearted people who share your interests and values.
Authentic relationships can be incredibly fulfilling. By staying true to yourself and seeking honesty in others, you can find those meaningful connections. Remember, every community has its challenges, but it also has incredible, supportive people who can become cherished friends and partners.
Keep trusting in the goodness of others, maintain open communication, and stay alert to red flags. With patience and perseverance, you’ll discover the wonderful people who make the journey worthwhile.
I’ve formed friendships with subs that will likely last a lifetime. Like my dear Victoria, who’s been in my life for over four years now. My wonderful chef, housekeeper Dominique, who, besides being a sub, is also a very dear friend of ours, my little one Wyvern, a dear new friend Rosa and many more sweet souls. There are also Dommes who’ve surprised me by being such amazing people, like the fellow columnist Sadic Sadie, and an incredible woman I recently met, Queen Jazz. My personal assistant Desy.
A couple, Dom and sub, with whom Septeyre and I have forged a great friendship—they also teach bondage through Threads and Tomes.
And of course, my lifepartner Septeyre.
And many others..you know who you are.
My life is rich with wonderful friendships and incredible individuals I’ve met. Sometimes it feels like finding a needle in a haystack, but don’t give up. These kinds of connections can truly enrich your life.
Tip for subs who want to find an authentic Domme:
Do your research. Study their website (the lack of one can be a red flag), assess their payment methods to ensure they’re professional, and check their social media accounts, as behavior can vary across platforms. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, express your feelings, and send multiple messages to gain a better understanding.
Dommes:
If you’re looking for a genuine connection, talk to the sub, ask questions. Watch out for any red flags. If they don’t respond to your corrective questions and only project their fantasies onto you, it’s likely to end in failure. And that they are driven solely by their own needs and desires.
I’ll close this writing with 3 tips:
The 3 most important tips for everyone to live by:
1. Building genuine connections: Authenticity paves the way for deeper, more meaningful relationships. When we wear a mask or try to be someone we’re not, we attract people who are drawn to that façade. Being authentic ensures that the connections we make are based on who we truly are, providing a foundation of understanding and mutual respect.
2. Fostering self-acceptance: By showing our true selves to the world, we embrace our strengths and acknowledge our weaknesses. This acceptance nurtures a strong sense of self-worth and helps us grow both personally and professionally.
3. Trust and credibility: Trust is the foundation of every relationship, especially in D/s, whether personal or professional. When we are authentic, people can see and feel it. This transparency fosters trust, making interactions and collaborations more fruitful and fulfilling.
(c) The Lady Lux