I aim to inform and caution others, empowering them to safeguard themselves and maintain the community as a safe environment for exploring kink.
Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are often attracted to environments where they can exert control, receive admiration, and reinforce their sense of superiority.
The BDSM community can provide a unique setting that aligns with these desires:
As per the DSM-5 criteria, individuals diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) must:
• Have chronic issues in how they get along with others and manage their personal lives stemming from their narcissistic traits.
• Show personality traits that significantly impact their relationships and overall well-being.
What If It is not NPD: Personality disorders represent intricate mental health conditions. Individuals exhibiting traits of NPD might also align with other cluster B personality disorders, such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
It’s crucial to acknowledge that individuals with NPD won’t necessarily behave the same in appearances, behaviours, or traits.
For example:
One individual with NPD might present themselves as a stylish, charismatic overachiever, meticulously crafting an image to captivate others.
Conversely, another individual with NPD might manifest as an underachiever, deliberately establishing minimal expectations for themselves, driven by a pervasive sense of entitlement.
Why Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Might Be Drawn to the BDSM Community:
Power Dynamics: The BDSM scene inherently involves complex power dynamics, with clear roles of dominance and submission. A person with NPD will not always be drawn to the dominant role, the Dominant role is mostly linked to Overt Narcissists and Submissive or switch Covert Narcissists.
Admiration and Validation: In BDSM relationships, there is often a significant amount of admiration and validation. A narcissist craves this constant positive feedback to boost their fragile self-esteem. They look for a steady supply of the admiration they seek. Catfishing is something you also find often.
Manipulation and Control: Narcissists are skilled manipulators who enjoy bending others to their will. The consensual nature of BDSM, with its emphasis on trust and communication, might provide a fertile ground for someone with NPD to exploit these dynamics for their benefit, manipulating their partner under the guise of consensual play. Topping from the bottom is also a common trade, not only as a dominant they can get the Fix they need, in all kind of roles you can find individuals with NPD in the scene.
Fantasy and Escapism: People with NPD often have grandiose fantasies about themselves. The role-playing and escapism aspects of BDSM can allow them to indulge in these fantasies, creating elaborate scenarios.
Boundary Testing: The BDSM community often emphasizes exploring limits and boundaries. A narcissist might find this appealing as it allows them to push their partner’s boundaries, or use it to pretend to be a victim, further feeding their sense of self-importance.
While the BDSM community is built on principles of consent, mutual respect, and trust, it can be vulnerable to misuse by individuals with narcissistic tendencies. It’s crucial for participants to be aware of the potential for manipulation and to maintain clear, open communication and boundaries to ensure a healthy, respectful dynamic.
The Dangers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in Relationships and the BDSM Scene
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a serious condition that can have profound effects on personal relationships, including those within the BDSM community. According to the DSM-5, a diagnosis of NPD requires exhibiting at least five of the following traits:
• Grandiosity: Narcissists often feel a sense of specialness and self-importance, leading them to boast about real or exaggerated accomplishments and persistently see themselves as superior.
• Entitlement: They believe their perceived importance and uniqueness should grant them special treatment and more attention than others.
• Lack of Empathy: Narcissists are typically unwilling to empathize with others, as they do not see the need or believe it serves them.
• Preoccupation with Fantasies of Success: Narcissists often have unrealistic fantasies about their power or wealth to compensate for their low self-esteem and self-worth.
• Excessive Need for Admiration: They rely on others’ praise to build their self-esteem and frequently seek out admiration.
• Arrogant Behaviours: Narcissists may act arrogantly, exaggerating their successes and putting others down to elevate themselves.
• Sense of Superiority: They need to feel better than others to boost their self-esteem.
• Exploitation of Others and lying: Narcissists often lie and deceive to get their needs met, making unrealistic demands and failing to recognize others’ boundaries.
Types of Narcissism
Narcissism exists on a spectrum and can manifest in various forms while NPD is an official diagnosis, there are several colloquial types of narcissism, each presenting differently, some specialists acknowledge 5 types while others point out 13. . Most common forms are Overt and Covert.
Overt Narcissism
Overt narcissism represents the classic and most obvious manifestation of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Individuals exhibiting overt narcissism are excessively fixated on how they are perceived by others. They tend to prioritize status, wealth, flattery, and power, fuelled by their grandiosity and entitlement.
High-achieving and hypersensitive to criticism, overt narcissists react strongly even to minor critiques.
Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissism, alternatively referred to as closet narcissism or vulnerable narcissism, lacks the overt visibility characteristic of its counterpart.
Similar to individuals with NPD, those with covert narcissism possess an inflated self-importance and yearn for admiration. However, their behaviours tend to be more nuanced and passive-aggressive.
Rather than overt boasting or demanding attention, they resort to tactics such as blame-shifting, manipulation, or emotional neglect to fulfil their desires and maintain focus on themselves. Additionally, they may perceive themselves as victims of circumstance. Red Flags in a Relationship with a Narcissist.
If you suspect you are in a relationship with a narcissist, be aware of these warning signs:
• Downplaying your emotions
• Using manipulative tactics to win arguments
• Using aggression as a tactic
• Love bombing, especially after conflicts
• Making you constantly second-guess yourself
• Incapable of holding themselves accountable
• Jealousy of your other relationships
• Compulsive lying
• Unfaithful
• Self-entitlement
Tips for Dealing with a Narcissist
About 5% of the population has NPD. If you or someone you know is experiencing narcissistic abuse, consider these steps:
• Educate yourself about NPD
• Build your self-esteem
• Speak up for yourself
• Set clear boundaries
• Practice skills to stay calm
• Find a support system
• Insist on immediate action
• Understand they may need professional help and you might also to get over their abuse.
Recognizing and understanding NPD is crucial in protecting oneself from its damaging effects, especially in intimate and vulnerable settings like relationships and the BDSM scene.
My personal story in a nutshell:
I would also like to share some of my personal experiences. I lived with a covert narcissist for four years, someone who could likely be labelled a psychopath according to a specialist I consulted extensively about the timeline and behaviour.
My background: includes childhood trauma from being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, followed by the devastating experience of my son’s illness and loss. These events led to my diagnosis of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I underwent therapy in the past, did volunteer work and now work as a therapist and experience expert specializing in PTSD, CPTSD, trauma, grief, domestic violence counsellor and more.
However, four years ago, I still noticed attachment styles shaped by my past.
As an empath, my trauma made me the perfect victim for the covert narcissist. He presented himself in a way that triggered my desire to help him, playing the “poor me” card. At 35, he still lived with his parents, had never held a real job, and had no serious relationships. The red flags were there, but even with my knowledge, I fell into the trap. My life spiralled downhill as a result.
He lied, cheated, manipulated, stole, gaslighted, and showed aggression. After one of my surgeries, he left me alone in a pool of blood to cheat on me, refusing to take responsibility for my care. He never helped with rent, used my money, and even gave my money away to financial dominatrixes (findoms). Domestic violence was another tactic he used, causing over €6,400 worth of damage to my apartment without ever paying for repairs. I even divorced my ex for him, which cost me €135,000.
He kept trophies from other dommes, men, and women, constantly gaslighting me and undermining my self-worth. He did bread crumbling, giving me soooo little love so I would work harder to get his attention. He did not want to have sex with me, only once every 2-2,5 month. During my surgeries (explant of toxic breast implants and reconstruction), he mistreated me or left me alone to cheat. My health was bad, from a tumour to autoimmune disease witch luckily are now in remission, and I had a fear of being alone that let me be mistreated. I learned lots from this experience and want to warn others for toxic relationships.
Genderfluid: He pretended to be genderfluid, but his stories varied: to one domme, he was a sissy slut; to another, he claimed to be transgender and unable to dress at home. As a kink coach, gender expression and transition coach, and owner of a trans makeover and trans academy, I found his lies particularly bizarre. He used his alter ego to get his fix and never showed his face on FetLife unless he was cross-dressed and I did his makeup. The level of betrayal was so high.
What am I doing with this trauma? I decided I was worth more, and a few weeks before the wedding, I said no more to the aggression, abuse, and lies. I even stayed in a safe home for four days and needed to involve the police. I focused on my own healing, started some volunteer work, and pursued further studies. Now, I guide people dealing with similar unhealthy relationships.
I have three books in progress, and the second one will focus on that relationship and attachment styles, so others might learn from this. I will not share his name or any identifying information.
Light at the end of the tunnel:
I did not expect to find love again so quickly, but I did. It is a healthy, loving relationship with mutual love and trust. We connected so well because she is also a victim of someone with narcissistic traits as her ex had BPD.
Besides the passion and love, we also found support and comfort in each other.